~ the evolution of dreams ~
April 30, 2005,1:20 p.m.
realization
i realized today that i have been absolutely defeated by university. when i think of myself in relation to my academic and intellectual pursuits, i think of a person riddled with self-doubt, low confidence, and complete incapability. in contrast, when i think of myself in relation to the extra-curricular pursuits i have fostered during my four years in this city while attending university, i think of someone who has more confidence - but still has self-doubt, although in a healthy dose, not a debilitating dose - and of someone who is very capable. it is very strange, because in my last few years at high school, and the first year and a half at university, i felt very confident academically (more so in high school than university, to be honest - but i didn't feel completely shattered, the way i do now.) i felt that my mind and my thoughts were worth something. but these last two and a half years have completely shut me down, in terms of intellectual pursuits. i have never felt so stupid or worthless in my life. and getting through these years has been so endless - even now it is not yet over. and it should be. it should be. i hope it will be, very soon. i am tired and ill and have many things to survive before i finish, but i hope it ends soon. i know i will pull through (as everyone must); i just hope i can cull the vestiges of what is left over and make something worthwhile, outside of what i have endured so far. i need some time to heal. it seems so much to ask for - a bit of time.
Labels: leaving uni
April 29, 2005,1:51 p.m.
preparing to move
wow. these past two days have been very hellish. my cold decided to rampage my body with chills and fevers, while my left upper wisdom tooth decided to bulldoze into the three molars next to it. i never knew how excruciating having a new tooth come in could be. the wisdom tooth hasn't fully broken through yet, and i can still feel it (and feel shadows of its other effects - mainly pain in the jaw, along my cheekbone, and killer headaches) but it's much better today - partly because i got tylenol 3 to sleep last night, so i finally got one night's decent rest (kind of). my sister and my boyfriend have been absolute angels - my sister packed a lot of my stuff for me, and tony moved a lot of stuff last night; and while doing all of that they both took wonderful care of me.
anyhow i've promised both of them that i won't pack today (i can't anyway, i'm still getting painful head throbs when i get up/sit down etc. so i can't move very much). but what i definitely have to do is study for my exam on tuesday. so here goes - crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!
anyhow i've promised both of them that i won't pack today (i can't anyway, i'm still getting painful head throbs when i get up/sit down etc. so i can't move very much). but what i definitely have to do is study for my exam on tuesday. so here goes - crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!
Labels: transitions
April 25, 2005,10:42 a.m.
so many changes in the offing
i just sent off the last essay i will [probably - i always have to cover my ass. disclaimers abound in my life. this is JUST IN CASE i lose my mind and go into graduate school. or something.] ever write in my life. it was a terrible one, which makes me sad. i think i will always wish that i was one of those people who possesses a tenacious brain, and the kind of energy that allows them to excel academically. i don't have the patience for it anymore, though; and i have ended my schooling so far with a peculiar feeling of intense boredom. i really did feel like an essay machine, as if producing endless pages of writing really was simply rote work, and nothing dynamic, fierce, or imaginative. all of which is, of course, my own fault. through laziness (pure and simple).
it's been an odd weekend. we really did nothing, to be honest - i had to work on my essay, and the weather made us fidgety (because tony couldn't go out for walks, and enjoy the sun. there wasn't a sun. in fact, there was snow.) in late april, no less. what peculiar weather patterns we are having.
the spadina girls (carolyn, kailey, and talibah, among others) have broken up house, which is a sad state of affairs - but change is inevitable, and while i loved going to one place and seeing all my beautiful friends at once, i can still see them all since they won't be far away. they will all just be in different places, building different lives.
i think i will take a break before re-grouping and getting ready to tackle the next stage of work i have to do. now that the essays are finished, i need to study for my final exam in film theory, and pack. which will be a nightmare as it always is, but it will happen nonetheless. i need to mock up a detailed moving schedule so we don't get confused as to what stuff is going where. i realized that last night in a half-comatose state...i'm amazed and grateful i remembered that idea, because it will certainly make the move easier.
it's such a rainy cold day. i can't wait til may 6th, after which i can curl up with tea and a good book, one of my very own choosing!
~ sappho
it's been an odd weekend. we really did nothing, to be honest - i had to work on my essay, and the weather made us fidgety (because tony couldn't go out for walks, and enjoy the sun. there wasn't a sun. in fact, there was snow.) in late april, no less. what peculiar weather patterns we are having.
the spadina girls (carolyn, kailey, and talibah, among others) have broken up house, which is a sad state of affairs - but change is inevitable, and while i loved going to one place and seeing all my beautiful friends at once, i can still see them all since they won't be far away. they will all just be in different places, building different lives.
i think i will take a break before re-grouping and getting ready to tackle the next stage of work i have to do. now that the essays are finished, i need to study for my final exam in film theory, and pack. which will be a nightmare as it always is, but it will happen nonetheless. i need to mock up a detailed moving schedule so we don't get confused as to what stuff is going where. i realized that last night in a half-comatose state...i'm amazed and grateful i remembered that idea, because it will certainly make the move easier.
it's such a rainy cold day. i can't wait til may 6th, after which i can curl up with tea and a good book, one of my very own choosing!
~ sappho
Labels: transitions
April 19, 2005,8:32 a.m.
ugh
i've got a cold. stuffy nose, headache, achy bones. the worst part is the throat though. yesterday it was really sore, but today it's just constantly dry - the kind of dry that makes you want to retch, because you can't really swallow. both my munchkins had it, as well as my front of house manager when i worked on saturday night, so i think i was doomed. dooooooooomed.
when i woke up this morning i walked into the kitchen and looked up at the ceiling. there was a fly and a spider sitting directly across from each other, with their backs turned to each other. i eventually thought this was kind of funny (although my initial reaction was tension, because i am terrified of spiders). maybe it was a reunion between the spider and the fly. can you imagine??
[fly] "gasp!"
[spider] looks menacingly
[fly] "hey you [censored] eight-legged monster. how goes?"
[spider] coolly: "long time no see, bug-eyes..."
sounds like the beginning of the greatest chase sequence in film history.
when i woke up this morning i walked into the kitchen and looked up at the ceiling. there was a fly and a spider sitting directly across from each other, with their backs turned to each other. i eventually thought this was kind of funny (although my initial reaction was tension, because i am terrified of spiders). maybe it was a reunion between the spider and the fly. can you imagine??
[fly] "gasp!"
[spider] looks menacingly
[fly] "hey you [censored] eight-legged monster. how goes?"
[spider] coolly: "long time no see, bug-eyes..."
sounds like the beginning of the greatest chase sequence in film history.
Labels: sick
April 17, 2005,6:34 p.m.
just stuff
long week. longer week next week, since it's tacked on to the week i just managed to get through. luckily the kids are being sweet-natured (touch wood and hope to god the good-naturedness lasts until this coming friday). i am exhausted though - and i realized that i have to work tomorrow night after i finish a full day (so i'll be working from 8 AM until 11 PM tomorrow, straight - i finish one job at 5:45 and start my other job at 6 PM). bad planning on my part? guess so. don't have anything else to blame.
wow. it's almost 7 PM and it's a bit overcast today, but the setting sun just appeared outside the windows and its glow is amazing.
i have to figure out the moving schedule for the weekend after the one coming up (i feel like a space cadet. for some reason i haven't wrapped my head around the fact that not only am i moving apartments yet again (will this ever stop?) i am also moving in less than two weeks now, and i am moving in with my boyfriend. although this is going to be wonderful, it is going to be odd not to live alone. i've done it for four years pretty much, and it's a bit of a habit i think. change is good though. forces one to expand (or grow beyond) unconscious boundaries.
i have discovered that having an injured spine while enduring having your period is excruciating. i usually suffer from back-ache at these times anyway, but it never occurred to me that the usual back-ache would exacerbate the bruised spine injury that i've managed to re-trigger. it's driving me nuts. and making me really cranky (a state of moodiness that is certainly not helped by the period-ness my body is experiencing right now).
only one more week and i will never have to write another paper again. i can do this, i can do this.
here's to getting through things, and getting stronger.
with love
~ sappho
wow. it's almost 7 PM and it's a bit overcast today, but the setting sun just appeared outside the windows and its glow is amazing.
i have to figure out the moving schedule for the weekend after the one coming up (i feel like a space cadet. for some reason i haven't wrapped my head around the fact that not only am i moving apartments yet again (will this ever stop?) i am also moving in less than two weeks now, and i am moving in with my boyfriend. although this is going to be wonderful, it is going to be odd not to live alone. i've done it for four years pretty much, and it's a bit of a habit i think. change is good though. forces one to expand (or grow beyond) unconscious boundaries.
i have discovered that having an injured spine while enduring having your period is excruciating. i usually suffer from back-ache at these times anyway, but it never occurred to me that the usual back-ache would exacerbate the bruised spine injury that i've managed to re-trigger. it's driving me nuts. and making me really cranky (a state of moodiness that is certainly not helped by the period-ness my body is experiencing right now).
only one more week and i will never have to write another paper again. i can do this, i can do this.
here's to getting through things, and getting stronger.
with love
~ sappho
Labels: challenges, transitions
April 13, 2005,6:47 p.m.
better
i've been really angry the past few days. i knew there was something wrong with my anger and that i needed to 'get beyond it' somehow.
in any case i am sitting down to write 15 pages in the next ten hours, and i started to review some interviews with niki caro (who did whale rider, the film i am analyzing in the paper i am about to write.) the first thing i read about was this:
"Although Pai is just a child, her instinct is to empower those around her. And although harshly treated, she responds with love and compassion. So in a way the film is about the compassion of children but it is also about compassionate leadership.
"That's because for me, leadership is about service--it's not about being the guy up front shouting and getting all the glory.
"My understanding [of the servant-leader concept] is that leadership involves acknowledging that the work you are doing is a lot bigger than yourself and your own ego."
the rest of the interview is worth reading. here is the link:
http://www.highbeam.com/library/doc1.asp?DOCID=1G1:98754371&num=4&ctrlInfo=Round9c%3A%3ASR%3AResult&ao=
i think you may have to pay to access it; i caught the article on one of the promotional weeks when you could access parts of the database for free. (it seems like a wonderful resource for research by the way).
in any case i feel humbled and ashamed for my emotions earlier this week. i have always known the craziness with the groups i lead is part and parcel of the leadership burden; but sometimes it gets too hard to handle, and that's when your real strength as a leader pulls through. no one except for my closest friends know how much anger i have harbored this year, because as a leader i felt a responsibility to represent the group and lead the group well, and happily. i know i did my best. and that knowledge, finally, has dissipated my angry emotions, and allowed me to be who i really am. (and niki caro helped too).
georges has given me a wonderful idea for a quartet of paintings. i can't wait to get started! it's about the sun, moon, and stars, and a party.... :)
in any case i am sitting down to write 15 pages in the next ten hours, and i started to review some interviews with niki caro (who did whale rider, the film i am analyzing in the paper i am about to write.) the first thing i read about was this:
"Although Pai is just a child, her instinct is to empower those around her. And although harshly treated, she responds with love and compassion. So in a way the film is about the compassion of children but it is also about compassionate leadership.
"That's because for me, leadership is about service--it's not about being the guy up front shouting and getting all the glory.
"My understanding [of the servant-leader concept] is that leadership involves acknowledging that the work you are doing is a lot bigger than yourself and your own ego."
the rest of the interview is worth reading. here is the link:
http://www.highbeam.com/library/doc1.asp?DOCID=1G1:98754371&num=4&ctrlInfo=Round9c%3A%3ASR%3AResult&ao=
i think you may have to pay to access it; i caught the article on one of the promotional weeks when you could access parts of the database for free. (it seems like a wonderful resource for research by the way).
in any case i feel humbled and ashamed for my emotions earlier this week. i have always known the craziness with the groups i lead is part and parcel of the leadership burden; but sometimes it gets too hard to handle, and that's when your real strength as a leader pulls through. no one except for my closest friends know how much anger i have harbored this year, because as a leader i felt a responsibility to represent the group and lead the group well, and happily. i know i did my best. and that knowledge, finally, has dissipated my angry emotions, and allowed me to be who i really am. (and niki caro helped too).
georges has given me a wonderful idea for a quartet of paintings. i can't wait to get started! it's about the sun, moon, and stars, and a party.... :)
Labels: challenges, transitions
,6:40 a.m.
joker
georges asked me on monday morning, "do you want to hear a joke?"
naturally i replied "yes."
so he said, "ok." and looked at me. then he said, "knock knock."
[sappho] "who's there?"
[georges] "guess what!"
[sappho] "guess what what?!?!?!?"
[georges] looks at me. then says, "my nose is glued on" and promptly puts his finger on his nose to make sure it doesn't fall off.
my tummy hurt after i managed to stop laughing.
naturally i replied "yes."
so he said, "ok." and looked at me. then he said, "knock knock."
[sappho] "who's there?"
[georges] "guess what!"
[sappho] "guess what what?!?!?!?"
[georges] looks at me. then says, "my nose is glued on" and promptly puts his finger on his nose to make sure it doesn't fall off.
my tummy hurt after i managed to stop laughing.
Labels: too funny
April 8, 2005,4:00 p.m.
freak out
i just realized that at times like this, when life is really busy and very stressful, i take out the stress on myself. i hate myself deeply, because I COULD BE A BETTER PERSON, and still do all the things i need to do and be happy and capable and MANAGING. but no - i don't think of certain things, and it's my fault, and things change, and they get forgotten or mislaid or rearranged and that creates more problems, and it's MY FAULT. because you know what, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT.
so somehow i'm supposed to write a 12 page essay today, clean the floors and sort out everything so that the apartment isn't a huge pigsty for the open house this weekend, and THIS WEEKEND i have to produce a 20 page paper, because i was a total ass and said i would work for the next two weeks from 8:15 AM until 5:45 PM, because i need the money for the move. and you know what, when i get home at 6:30 PM during the week for the next two weeks like a lot of normal people on this planet, i am going to have to buckle down and WRITE (unlike a lot of normal people on this planet) because i need to have the 20 pager done by thursday or so god help me, because after that i have ANOTHER 20 page essay to produce for the following monday. ya, you know, the monday that is a week from this coming monday, also known as april 18th. and i have to work on friday and saturday night next week as well, at my other job, so that kind of cuts into time for essay producing, you know? and then the friday after that i have another essay due, that's friday the 22nd folks, three days in between the second 20 pager and the final essay, after which i have to [censored] pack and move my [censored] into a new apartment on may 1st. and during that week of packing and possibly working during the day and definitely working evenings at my other job i have to study for my exam on may 3rd.
and of course none of this matters whatsoever, i can totally do it, it's no big deal right, i'll be fine. except for the fact that i could always be better, and i should be saving the world while i'm at it. BECAUSE I CAN. so i should be.
i'm doing what i promised myself i would never do. i am using my blog to rant.
i wish i could crawl into a hole. i hate it when i wish that. cuz i'm not dealing with anything remotely close to shit, people, i'm just having to struggle through a "crunch" time that will soon be over. but there are some things that we always have by our sides that are never over. so i should just shut up already.
so somehow i'm supposed to write a 12 page essay today, clean the floors and sort out everything so that the apartment isn't a huge pigsty for the open house this weekend, and THIS WEEKEND i have to produce a 20 page paper, because i was a total ass and said i would work for the next two weeks from 8:15 AM until 5:45 PM, because i need the money for the move. and you know what, when i get home at 6:30 PM during the week for the next two weeks like a lot of normal people on this planet, i am going to have to buckle down and WRITE (unlike a lot of normal people on this planet) because i need to have the 20 pager done by thursday or so god help me, because after that i have ANOTHER 20 page essay to produce for the following monday. ya, you know, the monday that is a week from this coming monday, also known as april 18th. and i have to work on friday and saturday night next week as well, at my other job, so that kind of cuts into time for essay producing, you know? and then the friday after that i have another essay due, that's friday the 22nd folks, three days in between the second 20 pager and the final essay, after which i have to [censored] pack and move my [censored] into a new apartment on may 1st. and during that week of packing and possibly working during the day and definitely working evenings at my other job i have to study for my exam on may 3rd.
and of course none of this matters whatsoever, i can totally do it, it's no big deal right, i'll be fine. except for the fact that i could always be better, and i should be saving the world while i'm at it. BECAUSE I CAN. so i should be.
i'm doing what i promised myself i would never do. i am using my blog to rant.
i wish i could crawl into a hole. i hate it when i wish that. cuz i'm not dealing with anything remotely close to shit, people, i'm just having to struggle through a "crunch" time that will soon be over. but there are some things that we always have by our sides that are never over. so i should just shut up already.
Labels: challenges, transitions
,1:37 p.m.
rant from one angry [censored]
dear [censored],
insofar as your critique of my sentence structure is concerned, i do not see the use or value of your contention that they are too long, or that the vocabulary is vague. in support of my disagreement with this criticism, i direct you to the multiple lectures and notes you have handed out to the class in which your sentences go on for pages, ad nauseum. not only do you suffer from Excessively Long Sentence Syndrome, however, i find that you should also be entered in the book of world records for the most Confounding Ability to Say Nothing within Sentences That Go on for Pages and are Drivel. i beg you to travel to saturn and spend the rest of your life running around its ring spinning endless sentences that form into mobius strips and eventually tie you up and pin you in place for infinity.
sincerely, your lord and master,
sappho
***
dear [censored] [censored],
in light of the two years in which i have had the ambiguous honour of leading this group, i must say that i have no qualms or regrets with my upcoming opportunity to disassociate myself with this organization. although i have worked my ass off to bring us to a level never experienced before within this organization i am sick of doing all the work and dealing with the bullshit [censored] [haha] that is exuded by the people who are also supposedly in "supportive leading positions" in relation to my position. the fact that they are free floaters who have no [censored] concept of how this group is run and that they are full of disrespect for the leaders and members of the organization has been a fact that i have lived with for too long. i am still enfuriated when i think of all the work i have done and the fact that people not only don't recognize that fact, they do not care. i can say, however, that i have learned a lot from my experience running this organization, and that i have given over 100% and tried my [censored] hardest. i am going on to bigger and better things now, and i am leaving all of you squealing and fighting in the dust amongst yourselves. i have no use for resentment now. none of you are worth it. go flail in the mud.
sincerely, your lord and master,
sappho
***
sigh. so it has been a difficult journey, and a good one at the same time. this rant might have been indulgent, but i needed to get it out, because no matter who i talk to, it doesn't seem to matter. i am always still angry; but even though i can get angrier, i don't have the time to, or the energy to do so. as i said, i am moving on to bigger and better things now, and these are the things that are worth my concentration. not these other things, which are soon to be in my past. so i send an electronic [censored] you to all those people who have made my life living hell, and believe me i won't see you there when you go to meet your maker. have fun. i bet you won't be able to stand the heat.
insofar as your critique of my sentence structure is concerned, i do not see the use or value of your contention that they are too long, or that the vocabulary is vague. in support of my disagreement with this criticism, i direct you to the multiple lectures and notes you have handed out to the class in which your sentences go on for pages, ad nauseum. not only do you suffer from Excessively Long Sentence Syndrome, however, i find that you should also be entered in the book of world records for the most Confounding Ability to Say Nothing within Sentences That Go on for Pages and are Drivel. i beg you to travel to saturn and spend the rest of your life running around its ring spinning endless sentences that form into mobius strips and eventually tie you up and pin you in place for infinity.
sincerely, your lord and master,
sappho
***
dear [censored] [censored],
in light of the two years in which i have had the ambiguous honour of leading this group, i must say that i have no qualms or regrets with my upcoming opportunity to disassociate myself with this organization. although i have worked my ass off to bring us to a level never experienced before within this organization i am sick of doing all the work and dealing with the bullshit [censored] [haha] that is exuded by the people who are also supposedly in "supportive leading positions" in relation to my position. the fact that they are free floaters who have no [censored] concept of how this group is run and that they are full of disrespect for the leaders and members of the organization has been a fact that i have lived with for too long. i am still enfuriated when i think of all the work i have done and the fact that people not only don't recognize that fact, they do not care. i can say, however, that i have learned a lot from my experience running this organization, and that i have given over 100% and tried my [censored] hardest. i am going on to bigger and better things now, and i am leaving all of you squealing and fighting in the dust amongst yourselves. i have no use for resentment now. none of you are worth it. go flail in the mud.
sincerely, your lord and master,
sappho
***
sigh. so it has been a difficult journey, and a good one at the same time. this rant might have been indulgent, but i needed to get it out, because no matter who i talk to, it doesn't seem to matter. i am always still angry; but even though i can get angrier, i don't have the time to, or the energy to do so. as i said, i am moving on to bigger and better things now, and these are the things that are worth my concentration. not these other things, which are soon to be in my past. so i send an electronic [censored] you to all those people who have made my life living hell, and believe me i won't see you there when you go to meet your maker. have fun. i bet you won't be able to stand the heat.
Labels: leaving uni
April 1, 2005,10:03 a.m.
sunlight and rabbits and spring
it's april! it's april fool's day!! it's spring. it's warm. it's almost 12 degrees outside. yippee!
last night's performance was awesome. there are some little things that went wrong that are now pissing me off, because i am an annoying perfectionist and when things aren't perfect, well, i get annoyed. i'm annoyed that in our duet ken and i didn't start in the spotlight. (see, tiny tiny tiny details. GROWL.) i'm sad that the performance is over; i feel like i should be dancing every night on stage for the next month or so. then i'd be so happy. i wish i was. dancing. all the time.
uh the rabbits in the title, that was just random. i don't really have anything to say about rabbits. except that they're furry, have long ears, and don't actually bring humans chocolate over easter.
last night's performance was awesome. there are some little things that went wrong that are now pissing me off, because i am an annoying perfectionist and when things aren't perfect, well, i get annoyed. i'm annoyed that in our duet ken and i didn't start in the spotlight. (see, tiny tiny tiny details. GROWL.) i'm sad that the performance is over; i feel like i should be dancing every night on stage for the next month or so. then i'd be so happy. i wish i was. dancing. all the time.
uh the rabbits in the title, that was just random. i don't really have anything to say about rabbits. except that they're furry, have long ears, and don't actually bring humans chocolate over easter.
Labels: art