it's been a long time since i've had enough peace and quiet around me and inside me (relatively speaking) that i've been able to hear my own voice in my head. it feels like years since this has happened, although my guess is that is not true, and it's really only been months. perhaps this happens because of all the change that has occurred in such a tumultuous fashion since may. leaving school, getting a job without blinking (so it felt - i was lucky); getting into this program that requires me to take courses and work at the same time - at least the coursework and "real" work is integrated. that makes life easier.

i feel like i lost my bearings somewhere along the way to the place i currently hold in life here. the person who is sitting at this table, in this apartment, with this job, in this city, is hardly recognizable. the demands on this person are not recognizable. everything i do i have done before, but i am not happy doing everything i am doing every day. i realized today that this is not where i want to be. this is a stage in my life where i am learning concepts that are good for me, like medicine - these things will serve their purpose at some later point in my life, and this is another process i have to survive in order to grow and learn and develop inside. but it's not a place i want to stay. it's a place of transition. as always with these things, i wish it was over and i was on the other side of it. but as always with those things, once you are on the other side of it you are in another tangle. but i guess one can hope that tangle is related to something that connects with you deep inside, that allows your creativity and passion to burst through. or not. i don't know.

i really feel like i'm in a mudslide. that i can't see where i am or my circumstances objectively. usually i am pretty stable doing that, but i feel too tired to be honest to even begin surmising a perspective that places who i am becoming into what i have done before and where i might be going. it's very strange.

i read about typhoon nabi this morning on google news. i am so worried about the team from tjsff. i hope they, and their families and friends, are safe and well. i hope, and hope. and am so deeply sad, for those who have suffered such loss.

Labels: language