~ the evolution of dreams ~
March 11, 2010,9:17 p.m.
Tika Chanel Kazulin
Our little baby Bengal died today at noon. She was a sweet, courageous little fighter who had so much love and curiousity.
Tika, you were a little angel that I imagined growing up and playing, wrestling, and napping with your big sister Aleyah. I am so sorry I couldn't protect you, little girl. You deserved so much more. I love you so much, sweetheart. I miss you so much. My heart is breaking for you baby. I wish you were here.
Tika's Song (Mommy made it up to comfort you on your way home. You loved it and I sang it to you quite a few times before we set you free.)
I'm a little Bengal, short & stout
Here are my ears, and here is my snout
I've got a lot of stripes, yes I do
But, guess what, I've got spots too :)
I love you Tika banana. Mommy wishes you were curled up on her lap right now. Tiks, you were so special. I will never forget you, and I will always wish you were with me instead of in the Cat Bed in the Sky.
Love,
Mommy
Labels: grief
,3:46 p.m.
staying connected 2009
holy smokes, 2010 has started in a whirlwind.
a year ago, i was finishing up my pilates certification, taking ballet lessons and going to physio in an effort to figure out what on earth was wrong with my spine. in april, i got my certification and was hired at the studio i studied at. needless to say, i love what i do and have never gained such satisfaction from my work before. it's an incredible experience!
t & i didn't travel much at all this year, mostly because i was in school for a year, just living on his income, so now that i have a paycheck we are going to try to pay off some of the debt incurred.
seriously, we've just been working, eating, and sleeping. we're planning a trip to croatia perhaps in june, that hasn't been settled yet.
i had my very first ever MRI in september - honestly, it's like being in the twilight zone, they put you in the tube and then lift the table up so that you swear you could scrape the top of the tunnel with the tip of your nose - and then you stay in there while clunking and clicking noises that are VERY LOUD go on for quite awhile. i was in there for 45 minutes, and it wasn't too bad, but i know people who've had to go in for longer and it can get pretty freaky. the results were completely normal which is GREAT! it just means i have very, very, VERY shifty bones. my muscles work super-hard to keep my skeleton in place because my ligaments are so stretched out. yippee years of dance and stretching, eh?
i stopped therapy and am surviving quite well on my own, i think. this week (can i talk about this week even though it's 2010? is that cheating?) has been quite a test since i usually get very depressed when sleep-deprived and oh, has little aleyah been keeping her Mommy sleep-deprived. but i've been fine, knock on wood, so this is all signs of improvement and independence that i welcome with wide-open arms!
other than that, things have been pretty chill this year. a nice change from the past, i must say. i think i'm definitely settling in to things; i feel more relaxed, and much more okay with stuff going all over the place in life as it tends to. that used to throw me, but now i'm better at going with the flow. it's nice :)
i'll post some pics of aleyah in a second if blogger cooperates.
happy 2010 everyone!!! may it be a wonderful year, even better than the last!
xoxoxo
Sappho
a year ago, i was finishing up my pilates certification, taking ballet lessons and going to physio in an effort to figure out what on earth was wrong with my spine. in april, i got my certification and was hired at the studio i studied at. needless to say, i love what i do and have never gained such satisfaction from my work before. it's an incredible experience!
t & i didn't travel much at all this year, mostly because i was in school for a year, just living on his income, so now that i have a paycheck we are going to try to pay off some of the debt incurred.
seriously, we've just been working, eating, and sleeping. we're planning a trip to croatia perhaps in june, that hasn't been settled yet.
i had my very first ever MRI in september - honestly, it's like being in the twilight zone, they put you in the tube and then lift the table up so that you swear you could scrape the top of the tunnel with the tip of your nose - and then you stay in there while clunking and clicking noises that are VERY LOUD go on for quite awhile. i was in there for 45 minutes, and it wasn't too bad, but i know people who've had to go in for longer and it can get pretty freaky. the results were completely normal which is GREAT! it just means i have very, very, VERY shifty bones. my muscles work super-hard to keep my skeleton in place because my ligaments are so stretched out. yippee years of dance and stretching, eh?
i stopped therapy and am surviving quite well on my own, i think. this week (can i talk about this week even though it's 2010? is that cheating?) has been quite a test since i usually get very depressed when sleep-deprived and oh, has little aleyah been keeping her Mommy sleep-deprived. but i've been fine, knock on wood, so this is all signs of improvement and independence that i welcome with wide-open arms!
other than that, things have been pretty chill this year. a nice change from the past, i must say. i think i'm definitely settling in to things; i feel more relaxed, and much more okay with stuff going all over the place in life as it tends to. that used to throw me, but now i'm better at going with the flow. it's nice :)
i'll post some pics of aleyah in a second if blogger cooperates.
happy 2010 everyone!!! may it be a wonderful year, even better than the last!
xoxoxo
Sappho
Labels: staying connected
January 6, 2010,2:57 p.m.
Happy early Birthday Tulip!
I know, this keeps happening - I just remember Tulip's birthday and come on over to this blog, which I have severely neglected as of late.
I hope you are having a terrific time on your birthday Tulip - send some sun and warmth over here, will ya? ;)
Love,
Sappho
I hope you are having a terrific time on your birthday Tulip - send some sun and warmth over here, will ya? ;)
Love,
Sappho
Labels: birthdays
December 14, 2009,9:22 a.m.
wow.
i can't believe how long it's been since i've written. it's hard to think of things i can write about that aren't too personal, or work-related (which i try to avoid - might as well learn what we can from situations like dooce's, right?), and with my work schedule being completely all over the place...time has pretty much flown. at least i've been enjoying myself.
anyway, i was looking at my calendar and realized that NEXT WEEK IS CHRISTMAS, how did that happen? which means we are all due for our catch-up letters, our little posts that cover the past year and create a bridge to the next.
leave a comment to let me know if you're in this year. i hope you're all doing well and - i've missed you guys!!
xoxox
sappho
anyway, i was looking at my calendar and realized that NEXT WEEK IS CHRISTMAS, how did that happen? which means we are all due for our catch-up letters, our little posts that cover the past year and create a bridge to the next.
leave a comment to let me know if you're in this year. i hope you're all doing well and - i've missed you guys!!
xoxox
sappho
Labels: year-end post
January 6, 2009,9:38 a.m.
Tulip....
Happy Early Birthday!!
I am going to miss our Le Commensal tradition. Have a delicious dinner for us and a wonderful day at the beach by the sea, under the sun.
I miss you sweetie!!
xoxo
love,
sappho
I am going to miss our Le Commensal tradition. Have a delicious dinner for us and a wonderful day at the beach by the sea, under the sun.
I miss you sweetie!!
xoxo
love,
sappho
Labels: birthdays
December 31, 2008,10:06 a.m.
2008 - staying connected
is it just me, or does 2008 feel like it went by in the blink of an eye?
when i think back to january 2008, and the year as it passed by, it stands out to me in 3 clearly delineated sections. i’ll talk about each section, then, as they all affected me in important ways - that of course, i couldn’t have seen until now.
the end of my job
i worked at desk jobs for a little over two years, which stuns me when i think about it. the idea is just so foreign to my mind now. for the record: i am HORRIBLE at desk jobs. i hate being in one spot for any great length of time; i suck at admin work; and i also really, really, really hate filing. REALLY. i’ve met some amazing administrators and they leave me speechless. so detail oriented. so kind and happy and able. i was the opposite at a desk. i was grumpy. i resented editing and sending files. i RESENTED FILES. seriously. warning bells should have been going off in my head, but i thought that after getting a university degree and completing a post-graduate certification program, the logical next step would be getting a desk job.
HA. hahahahahaHA.
anyway, the ending at my last desk job was messy, and it took me awhile to be able to think about it without any deep feelings of anguish, guilt, or anger. i was officially unemployed at the beginning of april, 2008. which leads me on to the next section.
the great depression, or attack of the anxiety goblins
this is still hard for me to think about. after i lost my job, i was very organized - i searched for work, i kept excel files that i still have (that shock me in their detail and in the sheer number of jobs i applied for). it took me awhile to get unemployment insurance, which was stressful, because it strained our limited resources in relation to rent. but what happened, exactly, afterwards...once june rolled around, i guess certain symptoms were escalating: not feeling safe, anywhere; feeling like i was going to be attacked; deep anxiety over the lack of a job/financial situation; and also, psychologically, i was going through a very difficult - i would say, excruciating - healing process with my therapist. combine those all together and, well, i didn’t trust my front door. i didn’t have contact with barely anyone except t and my therapist for the majority of june and july. but one thing i managed to scrape myself together to do - i applied for a pilates training program and went to hand it in on july 7th. i found out, within five minutes of handing it in, that i had been accepted. i walked home on clouds that afternoon. from that deep, dark place that i thought i would never leave - i started to climb out.
the beginning of something beautiful
once september hit, and the new training program began, i didn’t know what to expect. the group we are training with is great. the training is fantastic. for awhile, i was struggling to focus - i do something called “splitting”, where half of my mind deals with the real world and the other half deals with trauma, and is a complete, utter mess. i’ve been working on this for a long time now, and after doing two years of work with just therapy and no medication, i finally decided to go on meds.
it was the BEST decision i have ever made in my life, besides deciding to marry t. honestly. HONESTLY.
if any of you read dooce, she says in one of her posts that after going on meds, she called her boyfriend (i can’t remember if it was jon then or not) and she said, incredulously, “this is how you normal people FEEL every day?!” that is exactly how i felt. still feel. it’s miraculous.
so i am able to cope, better than i have been able to, ever. i am taking care of myself like never before. i am doing pilates, enjoying it, teaching it, and i am GOOD at it. i am working my ass off and i have never experienced being so content before in my life. i am savouring every minute of it.
this isn’t to say that there aren’t lows. the deep, ugly cave i fell into in the summer is still there. it’s filled with really yucky murky water that threatens to drown me every once in a while. but i’m getting tougher, i’m getting stronger, and every time i fall back in, i climb out faster.
and in between, i’m happy.
for all of you, may 2009 bring great joy, health, and happiness. may you find love, whether it is within yourself or with someone else; may you comfort and find comfort in other living things; and may the new year bring many beautiful memories you will cherish for your lifetime.
lots of love as always,
your
sappho
when i think back to january 2008, and the year as it passed by, it stands out to me in 3 clearly delineated sections. i’ll talk about each section, then, as they all affected me in important ways - that of course, i couldn’t have seen until now.
the end of my job
i worked at desk jobs for a little over two years, which stuns me when i think about it. the idea is just so foreign to my mind now. for the record: i am HORRIBLE at desk jobs. i hate being in one spot for any great length of time; i suck at admin work; and i also really, really, really hate filing. REALLY. i’ve met some amazing administrators and they leave me speechless. so detail oriented. so kind and happy and able. i was the opposite at a desk. i was grumpy. i resented editing and sending files. i RESENTED FILES. seriously. warning bells should have been going off in my head, but i thought that after getting a university degree and completing a post-graduate certification program, the logical next step would be getting a desk job.
HA. hahahahahaHA.
anyway, the ending at my last desk job was messy, and it took me awhile to be able to think about it without any deep feelings of anguish, guilt, or anger. i was officially unemployed at the beginning of april, 2008. which leads me on to the next section.
the great depression, or attack of the anxiety goblins
this is still hard for me to think about. after i lost my job, i was very organized - i searched for work, i kept excel files that i still have (that shock me in their detail and in the sheer number of jobs i applied for). it took me awhile to get unemployment insurance, which was stressful, because it strained our limited resources in relation to rent. but what happened, exactly, afterwards...once june rolled around, i guess certain symptoms were escalating: not feeling safe, anywhere; feeling like i was going to be attacked; deep anxiety over the lack of a job/financial situation; and also, psychologically, i was going through a very difficult - i would say, excruciating - healing process with my therapist. combine those all together and, well, i didn’t trust my front door. i didn’t have contact with barely anyone except t and my therapist for the majority of june and july. but one thing i managed to scrape myself together to do - i applied for a pilates training program and went to hand it in on july 7th. i found out, within five minutes of handing it in, that i had been accepted. i walked home on clouds that afternoon. from that deep, dark place that i thought i would never leave - i started to climb out.
the beginning of something beautiful
once september hit, and the new training program began, i didn’t know what to expect. the group we are training with is great. the training is fantastic. for awhile, i was struggling to focus - i do something called “splitting”, where half of my mind deals with the real world and the other half deals with trauma, and is a complete, utter mess. i’ve been working on this for a long time now, and after doing two years of work with just therapy and no medication, i finally decided to go on meds.
it was the BEST decision i have ever made in my life, besides deciding to marry t. honestly. HONESTLY.
if any of you read dooce, she says in one of her posts that after going on meds, she called her boyfriend (i can’t remember if it was jon then or not) and she said, incredulously, “this is how you normal people FEEL every day?!” that is exactly how i felt. still feel. it’s miraculous.
so i am able to cope, better than i have been able to, ever. i am taking care of myself like never before. i am doing pilates, enjoying it, teaching it, and i am GOOD at it. i am working my ass off and i have never experienced being so content before in my life. i am savouring every minute of it.
this isn’t to say that there aren’t lows. the deep, ugly cave i fell into in the summer is still there. it’s filled with really yucky murky water that threatens to drown me every once in a while. but i’m getting tougher, i’m getting stronger, and every time i fall back in, i climb out faster.
and in between, i’m happy.
for all of you, may 2009 bring great joy, health, and happiness. may you find love, whether it is within yourself or with someone else; may you comfort and find comfort in other living things; and may the new year bring many beautiful memories you will cherish for your lifetime.
lots of love as always,
your
sappho
Labels: staying connected
December 22, 2008,10:18 a.m.
it's that time of year again
here are my posts from 2006 and 2007.
i would love to catch up with all of you (c, hana, spart, talibah, molly) so if you have time to write a 2008 year-end post, i will read it voraciously. that's a promise.
miss you gals.
xoxoxoxoxox
love,
sappho
i would love to catch up with all of you (c, hana, spart, talibah, molly) so if you have time to write a 2008 year-end post, i will read it voraciously. that's a promise.
miss you gals.
xoxoxoxoxox
love,
sappho
Labels: staying connected