is it just me, or does 2008 feel like it went by in the blink of an eye?

when i think back to january 2008, and the year as it passed by, it stands out to me in 3 clearly delineated sections. i’ll talk about each section, then, as they all affected me in important ways - that of course, i couldn’t have seen until now.

the end of my job

i worked at desk jobs for a little over two years, which stuns me when i think about it. the idea is just so foreign to my mind now. for the record: i am HORRIBLE at desk jobs. i hate being in one spot for any great length of time; i suck at admin work; and i also really, really, really hate filing. REALLY. i’ve met some amazing administrators and they leave me speechless. so detail oriented. so kind and happy and able. i was the opposite at a desk. i was grumpy. i resented editing and sending files. i RESENTED FILES. seriously. warning bells should have been going off in my head, but i thought that after getting a university degree and completing a post-graduate certification program, the logical next step would be getting a desk job.

HA. hahahahahaHA.

anyway, the ending at my last desk job was messy, and it took me awhile to be able to think about it without any deep feelings of anguish, guilt, or anger. i was officially unemployed at the beginning of april, 2008. which leads me on to the next section.

the great depression, or attack of the anxiety goblins

this is still hard for me to think about. after i lost my job, i was very organized - i searched for work, i kept excel files that i still have (that shock me in their detail and in the sheer number of jobs i applied for). it took me awhile to get unemployment insurance, which was stressful, because it strained our limited resources in relation to rent. but what happened, exactly, afterwards...once june rolled around, i guess certain symptoms were escalating: not feeling safe, anywhere; feeling like i was going to be attacked; deep anxiety over the lack of a job/financial situation; and also, psychologically, i was going through a very difficult - i would say, excruciating - healing process with my therapist. combine those all together and, well, i didn’t trust my front door. i didn’t have contact with barely anyone except t and my therapist for the majority of june and july. but one thing i managed to scrape myself together to do - i applied for a pilates training program and went to hand it in on july 7th. i found out, within five minutes of handing it in, that i had been accepted. i walked home on clouds that afternoon. from that deep, dark place that i thought i would never leave - i started to climb out.

the beginning of something beautiful

once september hit, and the new training program began, i didn’t know what to expect. the group we are training with is great. the training is fantastic. for awhile, i was struggling to focus - i do something called “splitting”, where half of my mind deals with the real world and the other half deals with trauma, and is a complete, utter mess. i’ve been working on this for a long time now, and after doing two years of work with just therapy and no medication, i finally decided to go on meds.

it was the BEST decision i have ever made in my life, besides deciding to marry t. honestly. HONESTLY.

if any of you read dooce, she says in one of her posts that after going on meds, she called her boyfriend (i can’t remember if it was jon then or not) and she said, incredulously, “this is how you normal people FEEL every day?!” that is exactly how i felt. still feel. it’s miraculous.

so i am able to cope, better than i have been able to, ever. i am taking care of myself like never before. i am doing pilates, enjoying it, teaching it, and i am GOOD at it. i am working my ass off and i have never experienced being so content before in my life. i am savouring every minute of it.

this isn’t to say that there aren’t lows. the deep, ugly cave i fell into in the summer is still there. it’s filled with really yucky murky water that threatens to drown me every once in a while. but i’m getting tougher, i’m getting stronger, and every time i fall back in, i climb out faster.

and in between, i’m happy.

for all of you, may 2009 bring great joy, health, and happiness. may you find love, whether it is within yourself or with someone else; may you comfort and find comfort in other living things; and may the new year bring many beautiful memories you will cherish for your lifetime.

lots of love as always,

your
sappho

Labels: staying connected