i realized today that i have been absolutely defeated by university. when i think of myself in relation to my academic and intellectual pursuits, i think of a person riddled with self-doubt, low confidence, and complete incapability. in contrast, when i think of myself in relation to the extra-curricular pursuits i have fostered during my four years in this city while attending university, i think of someone who has more confidence - but still has self-doubt, although in a healthy dose, not a debilitating dose - and of someone who is very capable. it is very strange, because in my last few years at high school, and the first year and a half at university, i felt very confident academically (more so in high school than university, to be honest - but i didn't feel completely shattered, the way i do now.) i felt that my mind and my thoughts were worth something. but these last two and a half years have completely shut me down, in terms of intellectual pursuits. i have never felt so stupid or worthless in my life. and getting through these years has been so endless - even now it is not yet over. and it should be. it should be. i hope it will be, very soon. i am tired and ill and have many things to survive before i finish, but i hope it ends soon. i know i will pull through (as everyone must); i just hope i can cull the vestiges of what is left over and make something worthwhile, outside of what i have endured so far. i need some time to heal. it seems so much to ask for - a bit of time.

Labels: leaving uni