i just realized that at times like this, when life is really busy and very stressful, i take out the stress on myself. i hate myself deeply, because I COULD BE A BETTER PERSON, and still do all the things i need to do and be happy and capable and MANAGING. but no - i don't think of certain things, and it's my fault, and things change, and they get forgotten or mislaid or rearranged and that creates more problems, and it's MY FAULT. because you know what, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT.

so somehow i'm supposed to write a 12 page essay today, clean the floors and sort out everything so that the apartment isn't a huge pigsty for the open house this weekend, and THIS WEEKEND i have to produce a 20 page paper, because i was a total ass and said i would work for the next two weeks from 8:15 AM until 5:45 PM, because i need the money for the move. and you know what, when i get home at 6:30 PM during the week for the next two weeks like a lot of normal people on this planet, i am going to have to buckle down and WRITE (unlike a lot of normal people on this planet) because i need to have the 20 pager done by thursday or so god help me, because after that i have ANOTHER 20 page essay to produce for the following monday. ya, you know, the monday that is a week from this coming monday, also known as april 18th. and i have to work on friday and saturday night next week as well, at my other job, so that kind of cuts into time for essay producing, you know? and then the friday after that i have another essay due, that's friday the 22nd folks, three days in between the second 20 pager and the final essay, after which i have to [censored] pack and move my [censored] into a new apartment on may 1st. and during that week of packing and possibly working during the day and definitely working evenings at my other job i have to study for my exam on may 3rd.

and of course none of this matters whatsoever, i can totally do it, it's no big deal right, i'll be fine. except for the fact that i could always be better, and i should be saving the world while i'm at it. BECAUSE I CAN. so i should be.

i'm doing what i promised myself i would never do. i am using my blog to rant.

i wish i could crawl into a hole. i hate it when i wish that. cuz i'm not dealing with anything remotely close to shit, people, i'm just having to struggle through a "crunch" time that will soon be over. but there are some things that we always have by our sides that are never over. so i should just shut up already.

Labels: challenges, transitions