i am writing this so if i lose it again i'll remember these important things:

1. i am not a bad person.
2. i am doing a lot of things all at once.
3. i don't have any resources left within me, and i am very stressed whether i can admit that to myself or not.
4. i am not crazy.
5. there are always going to be ass-holes out there that i have to deal with. what i have to learn is how to deal with them constructively while understanding that THEY are the problem, not me. i have not done anything wrong.
6. there is no point internalizing things. i simply need to remember that i can learn from everything if i am open to it.
7. i am an ok person. there are people who love and support me. i am not alone.

i will come read this when i need to. and remember: you cannot have a nervous breakdown until AFTER April 1st 2006. after then, it's a free-for-all.

Labels: challenges, trials, winding paths unseen

heya. i'm just thinking about how hard it is to remember in conflicts that sometimes even if you feel you're crazy you're not. it's been really difficult this past year, working full-time, doing the IM program, and running the Dance Coalition, and producing the FoD. i've been really lucky that my job let me take off this week to run FoD, because otherwise I don't think I'd survive.

C, i am really unhappy you were subject to some of the cross-fire last night. I feel like i abandoned you and i am deeply unhappy about the entire situation. please please please always walk away from those situations and get myself or my sister if it ever happens. your time and energy is invaluable to me and just having you there is so much support to me, you have no idea. thank you so much for being there. you are a priceless friend.

i am growing and learning a ton from all of this; i am trying to make every situation constructive, regardless of other people's behaviours, and i am trying to understand and creatively deal with everyone who comes my way. because what else can i do? really? there is no other way i want to deal with what i have to get through over the next few months. i will come out of this stronger, a better person, and hopefully will have helped provide a positive learning experience for most people involved. i suppose that can only happen to those participants who are open to it.

life is so difficult and strange sometimes. i keep having nightmares about falling apart because i've lost the people i've loved. emotionally, physically, and mentally i am a shadow. tony is wonderful, he just holds me and tells me who i really am. i am so lucky to have you guys, and tony, and the people i love. that is why i am so scared of losing you all, because i love you and value you so much, and you keep me going just knowing you are there. i am at the end, at the end of all my resources, and i have to keep going. i have to. i have to, no matter how much i'd like to stop.

Labels: challenges, trials, winding paths unseen

if i ever mention to you in passing conversation that i might produce a show while working at another full-time job,

please do me a favour.

bop me over the head. and say,

"SAF! NEVER, EVER, AGAIN!" (accompany with two other bops. bop. bop.)

**i am an idiot**

Labels: challenges, trials, winding paths unseen