~ the evolution of dreams ~
October 3, 2005,4:35 p.m.
history, and love
it's a grey fug out. there have been sirens blasting all day today, what with the apartment building testing the system and fire-trucks zipping back and forth down bay street. i am home recovering from a nasty cold that succeeded in knocking me out for the whole weekend. it's the first time i've actually felt like i'm taking a break - hooray!! i have finally been given my one day of nothing. (which isn't actually true, since i've been working on the dance coalition budget etc. even though i really tried not to. the feeling of anxiety that encompassed me because i wasn't getting the ball rolling finally proved too difficult to ignore.) and actually, i do feel worse since i've been sitting up typing and formatting the budget in excel - my silly body seems to have an ingrained distaste for work. haha. so much for you, body, cuz the BRAIN is what rules on this planet. insofar as human bodies are concerned, anyway.
i have just finished diana gabaldon's breath of snow and ashes this weekend. i feel very odd, and sorrowful, after finishing it. usually i feel this way after finishing a book, - an odd sense of loss, and displacement. i think this is compounded by the fact that i really was quite ill and was more vulnerable (and more imaginative) than i would have been if i'd been feeling fine. in any case, i have an odd ache for the people i've lost recently in my family, and a kind of longing for the ties to still be there. which they aren't, i know, and never will be, but i'm being irrational, and wanting them anyway.
the funny thing that is beginning to emerge out of all this is a more determined and focused knowledge that i must, somehow, go to scotland and live there. it's my home. i need the history, and the land, and the familiar ties of my grandmother, and i have this odd notion that that is where i will find them. perhaps this is just a result of missing her so much. but tony and i have been planning this for a while, when grandma was still alive, and she knew about it and was happy about it. so perhaps that is part of it too - with a bit of my heart, when i told her and saw the gleam of delight in her eyes, i made a promise to her that i would go.
so i will.
i have just finished diana gabaldon's breath of snow and ashes this weekend. i feel very odd, and sorrowful, after finishing it. usually i feel this way after finishing a book, - an odd sense of loss, and displacement. i think this is compounded by the fact that i really was quite ill and was more vulnerable (and more imaginative) than i would have been if i'd been feeling fine. in any case, i have an odd ache for the people i've lost recently in my family, and a kind of longing for the ties to still be there. which they aren't, i know, and never will be, but i'm being irrational, and wanting them anyway.
the funny thing that is beginning to emerge out of all this is a more determined and focused knowledge that i must, somehow, go to scotland and live there. it's my home. i need the history, and the land, and the familiar ties of my grandmother, and i have this odd notion that that is where i will find them. perhaps this is just a result of missing her so much. but tony and i have been planning this for a while, when grandma was still alive, and she knew about it and was happy about it. so perhaps that is part of it too - with a bit of my heart, when i told her and saw the gleam of delight in her eyes, i made a promise to her that i would go.
so i will.
posted by sappho
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